We must get Trump

Good day Kahny,

I hope today finds you well, at your desk as Executive Editor of The NY Times. That is quite the achievement, my friend. It is ultimately you who has the last say in what is published in your esteemed tabloid. As usual, your ace reporters are spot on with their highly moral, factual, and prevalent reporting. As you already know, those radical right wing lunatics are at it again, calling your tabloid one level below the National Enquirer and Pravda … even below CNN, if you can believe that! Let’s see what has been going on lately, news that you are laser focused on.

We Must Get Trump!

It seems that elected President Trump is still at the forefront of your news coverage. Conservatives are shocked that there is rarely a mention of Brandon, the installed resident at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. I myself find it a bit odd also, with all Joey has accomplished in such a short time—that your front page wouldn’t have wall to wall coverage of his monumental accomplishments. It’s almost … almost mind you, as if you are intentionally trying to divert attention away from Joey. Now why would that be Kahny?

Well, let’s get back to what is most important—to get elected President Trump! I understand the highly unbiased, partisan 1/6 committee investigating Trump was not doing well in the rating department. That is until recently, that is. Things have taken a dramatic turn since the very reputable Cassidy Hutchinson, former White House aide, appeared before the committee.

Sharing stories of President Trump lunging and choking secret service agents, then trying to grab the wheel and commandeer the vehicle commonly called, “the Beast.” I know Kahny, this name is sometimes confused with Hillary Clinton, who went by the same moniker while occupying the White House with Bubba. I am actually terrified just hearing these stories. Those poor secret service agents, I hope they didn’t experience ptsd. The horror! Of course, I’m referring to working with Hillary.

More Witnesses to Come Forward

This is just the tip of the iceberg Kahny. Unnamed sources (old WAPO trick), have said there would be more witnesses coming forward in the upcoming weeks. From what I’m told, these witnesses will be the final nail in the coffin for President Trump.

This first witness was also in the President’s car. It seems that when no one was paying attention: President Trump put on war paint and a full length Indian headdress and, armed himself with a crossbow. He started screaming, that he wanted to lead the violent INSURRECTION, and to drive the Beast (not Hillary) to the Capitol steps. The Secret Service tried to dissuade the President, saying that this wouldn’t be in his best interest … but to no avail. That’s when President Trump started to shoot arrows at the driver, demanding he change course. If not for the agility and dexterity of said agent, this would have been a very different story.

One of the arrows pierced the windshield, so they had to pull over naturally and call one of those mobile windshield places to come replace it. Reportedly, they have video of this, but Chardonnay Pelosi has refused to release the tapes again. We reached out to her office, but it was visiting day at Betty Ford, and she was out there visiting Big Paulie. She also had to give him some information on some stock trades he needed to make … before the information goes public of course.

So that’s when Trump made his move?

Well, once the vehicle stopped to have the windshield replaced; President Trump made his move, he bolted from the beast (not Hillary) and made a beeline towards the Capitol. What a horrifying account! It was later revealed that the witness is Adam Schiff’s chief of staff.

It Gets Worse!

Now, the President was on the loose, and nowhere to be found. This is why we can’t understand why Chardonnay will not release those videos, it would clean up so many unanswered questions. Like the pesky question: why wasn’t FBI agent Ray Epps (inciting the crowd to storm the Capitol), not arrested for his part in the INSURRECTION? Any idea Kahny?

Back to President Trump. It seems he was next seen running through the halls of the Capitol. He was dressed like Rambo and shooting an M-16 haphazardly screaming “where’s AOC’s office, I want to date her.” Little did President Trump know, but AOC was nowhere near her office hiding under her desk as she originally claimed. Her whole story was later debunked. Possibly her head was foggy as she had a bartending gig the night before, and had to close. Once again the President got away before he could be contained. This witness is reportedly Liz Cheney’s secretary.

The Worst Account Yet!

Well, during all this pandemonium the President was spotted once more. It seems he now was wearing a giant maga hat and was carrying a noose and some bleach. He was screaming at the top of his lungs, “that this is maga country.” Oh, the humanity.

This unnamed source said this witness was actually Jussie Smollett. It seems he had taken a wrong turn and got lost while going out for a sandwich again. I mean what are the chances Kahny? That the identical racist attacks would be perpetuated against the honorable Jussie, twice? I mean the odds are astronomical. He should start to use door dash or grub hub, for his sandwich runs to avoid this happening again.

Where is the News Coverage of Brandon?

Now I’m starting to understand why President Trump is plastered all over your front pages, and not Brandon. I mean who can cast doubt on any of these witnesses. Hopefully you will give them the same over the top notch coverage that you are giving the the highly moral and reputable Cassidy Hutchinson.

Don’t let the radical right drag you down Kahny. How soon they forget about Russian collusion and the Steele Dossier. On second thought, maybe we should forget that one Kahny, seeing as though that dossier was bought and paid for by Hillary (aka, the beast). Hey, do you think Hillary may have paid off Cassidy, from contributions to her charity organization (wink, wink), the Clinton Foundation? Oh, that Killery, that scamp!

So Kahny, we have to go into overdrive with this fairytale INSURRECTION coverage. I mean Bidenflation’s approval rating is in the mid 30’s. I understand Jimmy Carter recently sent him a thank you card, for assuming the spot of worst President of all time. All in 18 months…..quite the accomplishment.

Better Call Pelosi

I understand Joey wants to get to his beach estate in Rehoboth Beach as soon as possible. It seems he has entered a soapbox derby with the other neighborhood kids. Joey’s car has been fitted with training wheels due to recent bike riding mishaps. Well, they are planning to introduce all the contestants on a stage before hand and there is this 11 year old neighborhood kid that always gives Joey problems at these events. Joey tried to have him banned by saying he participated in the INSURRECTION! Sadly, this didn’t pan out.

But the always innovative Brandon knew just what to do. He called up Chardonnay and said he needed some help. So ole Chardonnay sharpened up her elbows, hopped on her broom and headed to the beach (with some flying monkeys as escorts). We are told Big Paulie broke out of Betty Ford when he heard the news, and was heading out to a ladies night at a local tavern (by himself of course…..wink, wink). Hopefully, he or she calls Uber this time. Well when she got there, she lined up with the other kids and Beijing Biden. Then at the just the right moment, she pointed behind the crowd and screamed, “look, it’s President Trump with an axe!” When the crowd looked away ole Chardonnay drove her elbow into the 11 year old’s neck (Joey’s nemesis), driving him off the stage.

Blame that on Trump, too?

When video of the incident made the news, Chardonnay’s staff said she was trying to get the child in the picture. As the child was being loaded into the ambulance, Chardonnay and Brandon were seen eating waffle cones. Reportedly the child will be wheelchair bound for life. Brandon later blamed this incident on President Trump, Putin and corporate greed.

Pravda at its Best

Well Joey Kahn, it’s time for you to get off the office floor, put your shoes on, and put down that China Communist Party coffee cup of yours, and get to work. Remember, we must get President Trump. To Hell with runaway inflation, violent crime out of control (evidently this is due to legal gun owners), the invasion of our country at the southern border, attack on fossil fuel companies by the Vegetable-in-Chief and more importantly….his handlers, moronic military decisions, encouraging harassment against Supreme Court Justices, ridiculous revolving door no bail policies, etc, etc. From all these disastrous policies we can only conclude one thing—President Trump is a racist! We must get Trump!!

Yep, Joey Kahn your journalistic integrity is sure on display here. I guess those Ivy League schools you attended didn’t promote too much of that, huh? I want to say Happy 4th of July to you, except I hear you have a CCP flag in your office, instead of the American Flag. To those true Patriots—Happy 4^th of July! And to our Liar-in-Chief … FJB!

Sincerely,

Chris Cirino