Grieving the Estranged Father: Lament as the Path to Healing

Father’s Day can be a painful reminder for those mourning the loss of a father. For many, however, that grief is complicated not just by the death but also by the estrangement that preceded it.

When an estranged father dies

For those whose relationship with their father was fractured, death is the final, irrevocable loss, extinguishing any hope of reconciliation. It’s not just the death of a parent they feel — it’s the death of any potential future earthly connection.

Yana knows this well. She had a tumultuous relationship with her father, marked by inconsistency, absence, and addiction. As a child, she experienced his occasional presence, but also seasons where he was completely absent.

Her memories were a blend of warmth and terror — joyful snow days but also the chilling fear of being in a car while her father drove drunk. “We played in the snow for hours… it was the best time ever,” Yana recalls. “But then I was on my knees in the backseat, praying as my father, high and drunk, swerved on the road.”

Later, as an adult, she came to understand the root of her father’s behavior: alcoholism. Even though he eventually sought recovery and tried to reconcile, the damage had been done. When Yana finally forgave him, just two months before his unexpected death, she grieved not for the memories they shared but for the ones that would never be made.

The need for lament

It is at this crossroads — between sorrow and resentment — that lament becomes essential.

In the Bible lament is an act of faith — in which we confront our anguish while acknowledging the truth of God’s goodness — even when it doesn’t seem to be the case.

In her grief, Yana turned to lament. She leaned on the Scriptures, using the Psalms to help her voice the confusion and pain she felt.

When you lament the estrangement of your father, your conflicting emotions will surface. Feeling angry, abandoned, robbed of what could have been–that’s part of lamenting. But so too is remembering who God is in the midst of all that pain. It is in the tension between your sorrow and God’s unchanging goodness that hope begins to take root. And it’s something that can be done anywhere or at any time you might pray. In your kitchen, in the car, while taking a walk.

Yana’s journey through grief was not linear. There were moments of clarity and peace, but also times of deep wrestling. After her father’s death, she was surprised by the intensity of her grief. She wasn’t focused on lost memories, but really the lost opportunities to know him as an adult, freed from his alcoholism. She explained, “What I was grieving was not knowing my dad and not having the opportunity to change the ending to our story.”

Estrangement from others

But Yana’s grief didn’t end there. It extended to the relationships she had with others, including her half-sister. Despite their shared experience of loss, her sister couldn’t bring herself to bond with Yana after their father’s death. Estrangement, once again.

Lament, however, is not the only resource God has given us to deal with our grief. Yana found comfort in the community of Christians around her.

“I did not feel lonely after my dad died, she recalls.” My friends stocked my refrigerator, took up the grief with me as their own.” Grief is a heavy burden, but shared grief can bring healing. In the Christian community, we are called to bear one another’s burdens, to step in when others can’t find the strength to walk through their pain alone.

The church has a vital role in helping people process grief, especially when it comes to estrangement. Churches can even use lament in corporate worship to normalize the suffering and anguish that is as much a part of the human experience as is joy.

At GriefShare, we offer a space where people can process their grief in community, guided by the structure we see in the Bible’s laments. Just as the Psalms teach us to turn to God, complain about our sorrow, ask for help, and then trust in God’s promises, GriefShare helps participants work through each of these steps.

Lament as the door to healing

In this journey, lament is not a dead end; it is a doorway to healing — and an expression of faith. “The fact that God made space for lament to be in the Bible means that I can be sad, I can be frustrated, I can be disappointed”, said Yana. “If anything, the fact that you’re taking your suffering and your pain to God means that you have faith because you’re taking those things to the one person that you believe can help you to work through those issues.”

As Yana found in her own experience, knowing God’s character, His goodness, His wisdom, His presence — offers a solid foundation for hope. And this hope, while it may take time to take root, allows us to move forward, even through our deepest sorrow.

This article was originally published by RealClearReligion and made available via RealClearWire.